Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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