So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
