I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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