no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
