I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
