And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
