Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
