apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
