connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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