It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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