I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
there's paper in my vomit.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
