I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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