This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
