wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
