you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
