FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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