I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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