bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
