i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
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I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
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as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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