Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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