so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
