The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
