The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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