i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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