I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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