I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
