im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
