You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
