i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
