im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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