I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
