she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
