Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
