I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
