when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
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i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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