His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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