The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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