Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
