Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
