the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
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He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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