So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
