I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
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You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
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I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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