I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
