if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
