Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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