Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
