I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
