my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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