I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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