pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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