No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
