i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
