Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
