omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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