i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
