I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
