ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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