You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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