So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
