I think I died a long time ago.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
