so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
